The Long Wait

Just a quick catchup for everyone, we have been waiting for our daughter since August of 2005. Our story started with the birth of my nephew, Carson. He was the first child born in the family since we lost our twins in 2004. He was an inspiration for me in hopes that I soon would be a mother. To hold him in my arms was very scary, and love him so much, even though he wasn't mine. The feelings were very overwhelming. Carson was beautiful, sweet, and wonderful, and he was my sister's baby.
I wished and prayed forever, with the help of my older sister, who went to Adoption Seminars with me long before Carson was born, that I could find it in my heart to adopt. That I could make peace with the fact that I would never have a biological child. One that I would carry in my body and birth. I thought that I wouldn't feel like a mother unless the child was part of me. Karen, my sister, brought up adoption in many discussions that she and I had but never pushed the issue. And after Carson was born it seemed like everyone started to ask me about adoption, bringing me newspaper articles. It was like God was speaking to me through other people. My sister in-law, people from work. My mom mentioned it to me. Then I opened my heart to the possibility. I went to a seminar at Southeast Christian church for the Ukraine adoption, by myself. Although I didn't end up choosing the Ukraine adoption program, the lady that spoke at the seminar touched my heart in a way that I will never be able to explain. She spoke of how she would go to the hospital to see new mothers and be very happy for them. As the elevator doors closed behind her to leave there was something she could not describe that made her weep uncontrollably for a child of her own. Not out of jealousy, but out of her longing to be a mother. She described my feelings to me. So I went home and poured out my soul to my wonderful husband, who had reservations of his own.
I have to tell you how I explained my feeling to him, we are both past athletes so I could only use this with him to make him understand how it felt to me and help him relate. I told him it was as if I had played ball all my life, with that love of the sport that he and I had. Then one day I couldn't play anymore because my body wouldn't let me, so I had to watch from the sidelines while everybody else lived my dream. I just couldn't give up my dream to be a mom and watch everyone else have it. It hurt too bad. A feeling that left me empty. I have my two step-sons and they are a wonderful gift from God to me. As I look back they are the only thing that has kept me going. They have made my life full of love and hope. Watching them grow up into men has been an inspiration that maybe I will be alright as a parent. And so the adoption was a go.